THE KENSHIN-GUMI NEWLYWED GAME

By Raya

 

 

Announcer-- " Hello and welcome! Introducing for her first cameo appearance, Our very own hostess, Raya!!!"

<< Applause >>

Raya: " Hello everyone! Welcome to the Kenshin-Gumi Newlywed game! I’ll take a moment to introduce my co-host, Myojin Yahiko."

<< Applause >>

Yahiko: " Why do I have to be the co-host? I wanna be the host!"

Raya: " Well—Saito and Hiko both turned the role down, and you’re too young to marry Tsubame."

Yahiko: ::turns bright red:: " HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ME AND TSUBAME?!"

Raya: " Oh hoho—it’s way too obvious… you’ve been spending A LOT of time at the Akabeko recently…"

Yahiko: "Grr… anyways, let’s introduce the contestants."

Raya: ::remembers she’s on live TV:: " OH! Yeah of course. Heh…"

Yahiko: ::sweatdrop:: " Dumbass.."

Raya: ::nonchalantly grabs him by the back of his Gi and tosses him off stage:: " Our first contestants are none other than Rurouni Kenshin’s most popular couple! Introducing Himura Kenshin and Kaoru."

::lights come on the couple::

Kenshin: ::looks at the audience wide eyed.;: " Oro—"

Kaoru: " Konnichiwa minna!!" ::Kaoru flashes a winning smile::

Raya: " How long have you two been married?"

Kaoru: ::puts arms around Kenshin, squeezes him:: " Just recently!"

Kenshin: ::nervously:: " Kaoru-dono…"

Kaoru: ::whacks him over the head:: " KAORU!"

Kenshin: "Itai! K-Kaoru… people are watching…"

Kaoru: " Of COURSE people are watching! We’re on TV!" ;:hugs him tighter::

Kenshin: "Oroooo—"

Raya: ::sweatdrop:: " Ah-hem.. anyways, on to the next contestants…Introducing—"

Yahiko: "—I wanna introduce them!"

Raya: ::looks distasteful:: " Ohh—you’re back…"

Yahiko: " Gotta a problem with it?"

Raya:: " None at all…" :: makes faces at him behind his back.::

Yahiko: ::reads notecards:: " Next contestants are— The Chickenhead and the Foxy Doctor, Sagara Sanosuke and Megumi!"

<<Applause>>

:;lights go up on second contestants::

Sano: ::stands up threateningly:: " WHO’RE YOU CALLING CHICKENHEAD!?"

Megumi: ::sweatdrop, whispers:: " Sit down!"

Yahiko: " SHUT UP! IT’S WHAT IT SAYS ON THE CARDS!"

Sano: "WHO WROTE THE CARDS!?"

Yahiko: " How am I supposed to know you <bleep>"

Raya: ::whacks Yahiko over the head:: " This is a public Television program! Open to all audiences. No swearing!"

Yahiko: " I’ll <bleep>ing swear as much as I <bleep>ing want to!"

Raya: ::sweatdrop:: " Anyways, Sanosuke and Megumi, everyone’s dying to know—WHY are you two married? I always thought you hated each other!"

Sano: " Well, it’s cause I’m a <bleep>ing <bleep> <bleep> in <bleep>"

Megumi: ::turns bright red:: " Sano!!"

Raya: ::SWEATDROP:: " Sorry—no lemon allowed in this parody either."

Yahiko: " Figures…"

Raya: ::whacks him over head:: "PERVERT!"

Yahiko: "Itai!!" ::rubs head:: " Ok ok! Next contestants!"

Raya: ::grabs cards out of his hand:: " Ah-hem—Our next contestants are the bouncy happy weasel girl, and Mr. Too cool in the white trench coat, Shinomori Aoshi and Misao."

<<applause>>

Misao: " WHO’S THE WEASEL GIRL!?"

Raya: ::chucks cards over her shoulder:: " Whoever wrote these has quite the sense of humor…"

Aoshi: "…"

Misao: " HELLO MINNA!!! GENKI? HOW’S IT GOIN’??" ::flashes victory sign::

Aoshi: "…"

Raya: " Heh—Well, the audience wants to know, how in the world did you two ever finally get together? It seemed you were getting nowhere with your relationship with Aoshi—"

Misao: ::flashes her a death look::

Raya: ::sweatdrop:: " Errr--- that’s what it SEEMED like…"

Misao: ::huggles Aoshi who sits like a board, his face never changing:: " It’s OUR SECRET! Isn’t that right Aoshi-sama?!"

Aoshi: "…"

Misao: " He’s just being shy—he’ll come out of his shell eventually."

Aoshi: "…"

Raya: " Yeah—shy… right." * ah-hem * " And now for our final contestants!"

Yahiko: " It’s my turn this time ugly!"

Raya: "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU’RE CALLING UGLY?!"

Yahiko: " YOU! Who else?"

Raya: " FINE—read the <bleep<ing cards then Yahiko-CHAN!"

Yahiko: ::grabs them away:: " WHO’RE YOU CALLING CHAN?"

Raya: "WHO WERE YOU CALLING UGLY!?"

Yahiko: "UGLY!"

Raya: "YAHIKO-CHAN!"

Yahiko: "UGLY!"

Raya: "CHAN!"

Yahiko: "UGLY!"

Raya: "CHAN!"

Kenshin: ::sweatdrop:: " Maa Maa—please calm down you two!"

Raya: ::in the middle of pulling on Yahiko’s spikey hair:: " Yeah, listen to Kenshin! He know’s what he’s talking about!"

Yahiko: ::releases his jaws from her leg, leaves tooth marks:: " Ok ok—"

Raya: "Itai—"

Yahiko: ::reads cards:: " Our next contestants are… Oh gods—no…"

Raya: " Huh? Who are they?"

Yahiko: ::sweatdrop:: "ShiShiO Makoto and Yumi…"

<< no applause>>

Kenshin: "Nani?"

Sano: "WHAT?! NO WAY!"

Aoshi: "…"

Kaoru: " HE’S BACK?!"

ShiShiO: ::laughs coldly:: " My—what a warm welcome"

Raya: " ShiShiO? What are you doing here?"

ShiShiO: " Well a man can take a break from his Kuni-Tori in Hell every once and a while."

Yumi: ::draping herself on him: " ShiShiO-sama…"

ShiShiO: ::raises one eyebrow:: " Please—distance yourself a little bit Yumi…"

Yahiko: " WHO LET HIM ON THE SHOW?!"

Raya: ah-hem " Let’s not worry about it. First question! The women will be answering first."

Yahiko: "Hai! What is your spouses favorite past time?"

Kaoru: " Oh! That’s an easy one! Kenshin likes to save me from all the psychotic murderers who kidnap me to try and turn him battousai!"

Raya: " Err—what did Kenshin say?"

Kenshin: ::smiles, holds up card:: " Protecting Kaoru-dono…"

Kaoru: ::whacks him on the head:: " KAORU!"

Kenshin: " ORO!" ::quickly scratches out the ‘dono.’ "

Raya: ::looks at Yahiko:: " What do you think?!"

Yahiko: "Close enough I guess…"

Raya: "Ok! Give them a point!"

<< one point shows on their scoreboard.>>

Kaoru: "YATTA!"

Raya: " Megumi?"

Megumi: ::thinks hard:: " Bumming food off of his friends."

Sano: ::sweatdrop, holds up card:: " Training to become stronger."

Megumi: ::mouth falls open:: "WHAT? You lazy idiot, bumming food is all you EVER do!"

Sano: " Hey! I’ve never said that I LIKE doing it!"

Yahiko: ::shakes head:: "Sorry, no points for you…"

Raya: " Misao?"

Misao: ::wracks her brains:: "Oooo—what does Aoshi-sama like to do? His favorite past time!? Errr--- DAMMIT!"

Aoshi: "…"

Misao: " All he ever does is meditate in the temple! I guess that’s his favorite thing to do."

Aoshi: ::holds up card:: " Gaining inner peace."

Raya: ::sweatdrop:: " He never says it out loud—"

Yahiko: " Yeh—I guess that’s what he’s trying to accomplish by all that meditating."

Raya: "Shall we give it to them?"

Yahiko: " I guess so—"

<< one point on their score board >>

Misao: " YATTA!!" ::jumps into Aoshi’s lap, kisses him::

Aoshi: "…"

Raya: << covers Yahiko’s eyes>>

Yahiko: ::tosses her hand away:: "HEY! I’M NO LITTLE KID!"

Raya: "Err—ok ok—never mind, What does Yumi say?"

Yumi: "Well, that’s easy. ShiShiO-sama’s favorite thing to do is taking over the world to make it the strongest."

ShiShiO: ::holds up card:: " World Domination."

Raya: " Well, I saw that coming, what about you Yahiko?"

Yahiko: " Ok ok—give ‘em a point."

<< one point on Yumi and ShiShiO’s score board. >>

Sano: "We’re behind—dammit Megumi! You’d better win the next one!"

Megumi: " If you weren’t such an unimaginative blockhead, I would have won the first one!"

Raya: " Maa maa—Ok, time for the next question. This one is worth two points so pay close attention."

Yahiko: " What is your spouses favorite food?"

Kaoru: ::sweatdrop, looks at Kenshin:: " Ummm--- well, Kenshin likes…"

Raya: "Three seconds…"

Kaoru: " He likes—fish?"

Raya: " You need to be more specific."

Kaoru: " Catfish?"

Kenshin: ::sighs, holds up card:: " Anything that Kaoru makes for me."

Kaoru: << BLUSH >>

Raya: "Aww—that’s cute."

<< audience Awws >>

Sano: "How can he stand to eat anything she makes?"

Kaoru: ::throws him a death glance:

Yahiko: "But, she didn’t get the question right."

Kaoru: ::hangs head:: "Shimmata…"

Raya: " Ok—on to the next contestants, Megumi?"

Megumi: " That’s easy, Sukiyaki from the Akabeko."

Sano: ::holds up card:: " Sukiyaki from the Akabeko."

Yahiko: " Right on!"

<< two points appear on Megumi and Sano’s scoreboard. >>

Raya: " Misao?"

Misao: ::looks at Aoshi nervously:: " I—I’m not sure, he never expresses his feelings about food."

Aoshi: "…"

Raya: "Three seconds."

Misao: " Ummm…"

Raya: "Two—"

Misao: " Errr----"

Raya: "One—"

Misao: ::bangs head on the table:: " DAMMIT!"

Raya: " Time’s up—I’m sorry… What did Aoshi say?"

Aoshi: ::holds up card:: " Freshwater Bass from Lake Powell.."

(*Authors Note * - This is a running gag with me and my friends, we went to Lake Powell and wrote a parody starring the Kenshin Gumi at Lake Powell, with Aoshi having some strange obsession with fishing… if you want to read it, it’s right here.)

Raya: "Errr—could have fooled me. Yumi?"

Yumi: " Human."

Yahiko: ::blinks;: " Excuse me? You need to answer the question—"

Yumi: " I did, ShiShiO likes to eat people."

Raya: ::SWEATDROP:: " What did he say?"

ShiShiO: ::holds up card:: " The weak people."

<< Audience boos>>

Raya: ::feels suddenly sick:: " Yeah, well, you did take a bite out of Kenshin that time—"

Kenshin: ;:shudders:: " I still have nightmares de gozaru."

Raya: " NEXT QUESTION! Yumi and ShiShiO are in the lead with 3 points, Sano and Megumi have 2, Kenshin and Kaoru, and Misao and Aoshi are tied for last with 1.

Misao: ::continues banging her head:: "IT’S NOT FAIR!"

Yahiko: " Yeah, well GET OVER IT!"

Misao: ::looks at him with razor sharp eyes:: " EXCUSE ME?!"

Yahiko: " YOU HEARD ME!"

Kaoru: ::rolls up her sleeve in determination, looks at Kenshin:: " I’ll get the next one right!"

Kenshin: ::sweatdrop:: " It’s really ok Kaoru-dono.."

Kaoru: ::whacks him over the head:: " KAORU!"

Kenshin: " Oro—"

Raya: < ah-hem> " This question is worth three points! What is your spouses favorite saying?"

Kaoru: ::eyes gleam:: " I will protect you!"

Kenshin: ::smiles at her, holds up card:: " Protect the weak."

Raya: " Hmmm.. I don’t know."

Yahiko: " Well—the protecting thing is right."

Raya: " Ok—we’ll give it to them."

Kaoru: "YATTA! Now, we’re back!!"

<< 4 points on Kaoru and Kenshin’s score board>>

Raya: "What does Megumi say?"

Megumi: " Put it on my tab."

Sano: ::blinks:: "WHAT?!"

Megumi: " Your motto—is " Put it on my tab!" "

Sano: ::sweatdrop:: " Don’t you think you’re being a little over sarcastic?"

Megumi: ::looks at him:: " Don’t tell me you—"

Sano: ::sighs, holds up card:: " I’ll kick your <bleep>

Megumi: ::smacks him over head;: "THAT’S YOUR SAYING!?!??"

Sano: "Better than what you said!"

Yahiko: ::sweatdrop:: " Sorry guys."

Raya: " Umm—no fist fights on TV please…"

Yahiko: ::turns to her:: " YOU threw me off the stage!"

Raya: " BUT I DIDN’T PUNCH YOU!"

Kenshin: " Maa Maa.. calm down de gozaru!"

Raya: ::sighs heavily:: " Ok Ok… Misao?"

Misao: ::jumps up excited:: " Hyotoko, Beshimi—"

Raya, Yahiko, Kaoru, Kenshin, and everyone joins her: " --- Shiki-jo, Han-nya…"

Aoshi: "…" ::holds up card:: " Hyotoko, Beshimi, Shiki-jo, Han-nya."

Misao: "YES!!!"

Raya: " Heh—Who else saw that coming?"

<< 4 points on their score board>>

Yahiko: " Yumi?"

Yumi: " The strong survive, the weak die."

Yahiko: ::rolls eyes:: " Ok—that one was a given…"

Raya: ::sweatdrop:: " Didn’t Kenshin prove that point wrong?"

Kenshin: " I don’t believe in it, but you’re thinking wrongly if I proved him wrong by winning."

Raya: " Heh—Yeah Yeah.. I know what you mean."

ShiShiO: ::holds up card with a smirk:: " The Strong Survive, the Weak Perish."

Kaoru: ::whispers to Kenshin:: " No wonder they’re winning, ShiShiO is so damn predictable!"

::ShiShiO casts her an icy look::

Raya: " Ok—now for a word from our sponsers… We’ll be back shortly so stay tuned!"

 

<< Hiko stands on the beach looking out at the sunset, there’s a Calvin Kleinesque motif where the picture is all black and white, and all you hear are the sounds of the waves.

Announcer: " Fall Fashions are in, You too can don this stylish red and white manto, now at JC Pennies for only $95.99 ">>

 

Raya: " Ok that’s enough of that… back to the show!"

<< Audience applauds >>

Yahiko: " Now the husbands are going to be answering the questions. This first one is worth 1 point."

Raya: " We currently have Kenshin and Kaoru with 4 points, Sano and Megumi with 2, Aoshi and Misao with 4, and Yumi and ShiShiO in the lead with 6.

Yahiko: "Ready everyone?"

::everyone nods::

Raya: " What do you think your wife prides herself in the most?"

Kenshin: " Kaoru-dono is—"

Kaoru: ::whacks him over head:: " KAORU!"

Kenshin: " Orooo—Kaoru is proud of her mastership in Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu."

Kaoru: ::looks at him hurt, holds up card:: " Of my incredible, undying beauty."

Raya: " Err—sorry Kenshin…"

Yahiko: " You forgot Ugly’s vain streak.."

Kaoru: " WHAT WAS THAT?!"

Yahiko: " I said you’re VAIN!" ::gets nailed by the microphone Kaoru and Kenshin were talking into.::

Raya: " Err—calm down please! No throwing objects at the host or co-host…"

Kaoru: " Gomen.."

Raya: " No problem, Sano?"

Sano: :: thinks:: " Umm—that she’s a good doctor?"

Megumi: ::nods, holds up card:: " My skills in medicine."

Raya: " Good! Give it to ‘em."

<<3 points on Sano and Megumi’s score board >>

Misao: "Aoshi-sama’s turn!"

Aoshi: "…"

Raya: "What does Aoshi have to say?"

Aoshi: " To be a member of Oniwa Banshuu."

Misao: " HAIII!!" ::holds up card:: " I’m proud to be a member of the Oniwa Banshuu."

Megumi: ;:leans over to Sano:: " And Kaoru-san said ShiShiO was predictable!"

Raya: " Give it to them!"

<< 5 points on Misa and Aoshi’s score board.>>

Yahiko: "What does ShiShiO have to say?"

ShiShiO: " Yumi is proud to be on the arm of such a powerful and magnificent man as me."

All: ::sweatdrop::

Yumi: ::eyes sparkle, holds up card:: " To be with my ShiShiO-sama."

Kaoru: ::hangs head:: " We’re behind!!!!"

Kenshin: " I’m sorry Kaoru-dono.."

Kaoru: ::whacks him over head:: " KAORU!"

Kenshin: " Orooo.. Kaoru! Gomen!!"

<< 7 points on the board for ShiShiO and Yumi. >>

Kaoru: ::looks at Kenshin threateningly:: " You’d BETTER get the next one!"

Yahiko: " Next question for 2 points! What do you do that turns your spouse on?"

Raya: ::whacks him on head:: "NO LEMON!"

Yahiko: "IT’S NOT LEMON!"

Raya: ::eyes him suspiciously, ok, well—if we get angry calls from mothers complaining about the improper content of this show, YOU’RE the one that takes the blame!"

Yahiko: ::grumbles:: " Just answer the dumb question."

Kenshin: ::turns bright red:; "That’s—private stuff…"

Raya: ::rolls eyes:: " This is the newlywed show— you should have expected it…"

Kenshin: ::sweatdrop:: " Well—" ::looks at Kaoru nervously, she’s giving him her ‘you’d better not screw this up’ look:: " When I say Oro? "

Kaoru: ;:grins, holds up card:: " When he says Oro."

Raya: " Err—ok, give it to them!"

< 6 points for Kaoru and Kenshin >>

Sano: " When I <bleep> <bleep> and then <bleep> <bleep> her."

Megumi: ::eyes bug:: "…" ::to shocked to even speak::

::Everyone stares at him wide eyed::

Raya: ::GULP:: " Umm—I said NO LEMON!"

Sano: " <bleep> that."

Megumi: ::holds up card:: " When he does that ‘tightening the bandages on his wrists with his mouth’ thing"

Raya: " Err—sorry Sano…"

Sano: " WHAT! You mean that DOESN’T turn you on?"

Megumi: " I wasn’t about to write it on the card for the world to see!"

Yahiko: ::rolls eyes:: " Next?"

Aoshi: " …"

Raya: " You need to answer the question Aoshi. "

Aoshi: "…"

Misao: " He answered it!"

::Everyone looks at her like she’s lost it. Misao giggles and holds up her card:: " When Aoshi-sama is so quiet and serious."

Yahiko: " Err—I guess that would do it.. huh?"

Raya: ::lifts one eyebrow:: " Umm—I guess so. Give it to them."

<< seven points for Aoshi and Misao >>

Raya: "ShiShiO?"

ShiShiO: " When I make my one man speeches of conquering the world and making it the strongest."

Yumi: ::holds up card:: " ShiShiO’s speeches of world domination."

Raya: " Give it to them…"

<< 9 points for ShiShiO and Yumi >>

 

 

Yahiko: " The men will answer the question, are you all ready?"

::everyone nods::

Raya: " Ok, here it is-- If you were a vegetable, what vegetable does your spouse think you’d be?"

Kaoru: ::stands up angrily:: " WHAT kind of a question is that?!"

Raya: " Just answer the question!!"

Kaoru: ::thinks for a moment, then writes something on a card out of Kenshin’s sight.::

Kenshin: ::SWEATDROP:: " Ano---"

Raya: " Three seconds.."

Kenshin: " Umm—A carrot?"

Kaoru: ::holds up card, beams:: " A carrot!"

Raya: " Well—with the hair, I guess I could see him as a carrot."

Yahiko: ::falls over laughing:: " A carrot! HA HA HA!!"

Kenshin: ::turns bright red::

<< 11 points on their score board>>

Raya: " Kenshin and Kaoru are now in the lead, with 11 points."

Sano: " I HAVE NO <bleep> ing IDEA!"

Raya: "Three seconds."

Megumi: " Just guess…"

Sano: " THIS IS THE <bleep>ingest <bleep>ing question I’ve ever heard!"

Raya: "One second left!"

Sano: " Err--- Radish?"

Megumi: ::holds up card:: " A potato."

Sano: " WHAT THE <bleep> WHY A POTATO?"

Megumi: ::eyes him:: "You’re lazy enough…"

Raya: " Ok— Sorry Guys, you’re –2 points."

Aoshi: "…"

Misao: " Come on Aoshi-sama!"

Aoshi: ::sweatdrop:: "…."

Misao: " Just—guess at least!"

Aoshi: "… "

Raya: "Two seconds remaining."

Aoshi: "…"

Raya: "One second…"

Aoshi: "…"

Raya: "Times up!"

Misao: ::holds up card:: " Corn."

Raya: ::blinks:: "Why Corn?"

Misao: ::shrugs:: " It was the first thing that popped into my head."

<< Audience cringes at the bad joke >>

Raya: " Heh- never be a stand up comedian…"

<< Misao and Aoshi have 2 points >>

Kaoru: ::crosses fingers:: " COME ON! COME ON!!"

Yahiko: " ShiShiO?"

ShiShiO: "I’d be a Jalapeno."

Yumi: :: looks at him shocked, holds up card:: " A Chili Pepper."

Kaoru: ::jumps out of her seat:: "YATAA!!! WE WON!! KENSHIN WE WON!!"

Sano: ::mutters:: "Only because of the color of Kenshin’s hair…"

Yumi: :::says distastefully:: "There are too many hot and spicy vegetables in the world…"

Raya: " And our winner is Himura Kenshin and Kaoru!! Tell them what they’ve won!"

Announcer: " A lifetime of free meals at the Akabeko!!"

Kaoru: " WHOOO HOO!!" ::hugs Kenshin too her, jumps up and down:: " YESSS!!!"

Kenshin: "Orooooo…"

Sano: ::hangs head in defeat:: " I’ve been waiting all my life—and It slipped right through my fingers!!"

Misao: ::beats on the table with her fists:: " IT’S NOT FAIR! IT’S NOT FAIR!!"

Aoshi: "…"

ShiShiO: ::stands with Yumi on his arm: " Let’s go, my Kuni-Tori is calling for me."

Yumi: :: giggles:: "Hai- ShiShiO-sama…"

Raya: "Thanks for watching! Tune in next week when we have the cast of Marmalade Boy on the show!"

Yahiko: ::sweatdrop:: "There are two many couples to count on that show though…"

Raya: "Yeah— It’s gonna be a two part show…"

Yahiko: "Well—you can count me out!"

Raya: ::smirk:: " Why? Gotta hot date with Tsubame?"

Yahiko: ::turns red:: " NO WAY YOU <bleep>"

Raya: "Hey—WATCH YOUR MOUTH!"

Yahiko: " Who <bleep>ing cares!!!"

Raya: " Ok—I’m gonna wash your mouth out with soap! You’ve been around Sanosuke too long!"

Sano: " What the <bleep> is going on here?"

Megumi: ::tugs at his arm:: " Don’t worry about that—lets go home."

Kaoru: " COME ON KENSHIN!" ::wraps arms around him seductively:: " Let’s go home. I wanna celebrate!" ::gives him a sly grin::

Kenshin: "Oro—"

Yahiko: ::sees them leaving:: " Ok—Jaa Raya! It was nice workin’ with ya!"

Raya: " OH you’re not going anywhere—" ::holds him up by the collar of his Gi::

Yahiko: "AHH! Why not!?"

Kaoru: ::sly grin, winks at Raya::

Raya: ::winks back:: " You have to stay a few more hours and help the clean up crew."

Yahiko: "WHAT!? THAT WASN’T IN MY CONTRACT!"

Raya: " Read the fine print next time"

Aoshi: "…" ::allows her to drag him from the room.::

Yahiko: "LET ME GO! DAMN IT UGLY! LET ME GO!"

Raya: " GRRR--- I’M NEVER WORKING WITH YOU AGAIN!"