Part Twenty
"Kaoru-dono, I need you to help me... let go."
Kaoru looked into Batt-no, *Kenshin's* eyes and saw the conflict
within him. His eyes shut against the outside world, his body clenched
in inner turmoil, Kenshin was in pain beyond mortal depth. He fought
against years of guilt, not just that he'd taken so many lives then years
ago, but that he'd done it almost unemotionally. As if he hid the
horror of himself from his inner being in order to do what he felt had to
be done. For the new era. Kaoru felt sadness grip her heart,
what had the new era done for him? All it did was allow the shadows
of the past to darken and obscure the rising sun that showed him a better
future.
Kaoru grimly relaxed her stance and took one step towards Kenshin.
She didn't realize how much difference one step made.
Kenshin's eyes slowly opened and met Kaoru-dono's across the room.
Her eyes were luminous with determination, worry, and something else...
His eyes shone dark purple in intensity. In the moment their eyes
met, Kaoru stopped where she stood, met those eyes calmly, and let all the
emotion she felt towards him free.
In that moment, she saw him as he really was...and saw how he saw
himself. Unbidden, images of a young boy sitting alone in a field...alone...a
boy who'd been born and grew old before he learned how to play. A
boy who'd learned to feel pain and to accept it before he'd learned joy.
A child who'd never been a child...Kaoru didn't know details, would press
for them either, but understood the somber young boy inside of Kenshin.
The boy inside would never complain, or resent, or even expect more of himself
than anyone else.The boy who did not expect happiness for himself, cause
he never knew lasting happiness..the boy grew slightly older in Kaoru's
mind's eye...the young man was tortured inside. For once, he wanted
to make a difference...he wanted to save someone as he could not have been...he
wanted a chance!..he'd done it...but the cost..gods, the cost...but as long
as he could save someone, he could do anything, would do anything.
Then for a brief shining moment, there'd been peace and contentment.
Not happiness, not true happiness, but a stretch of time when he could ignore
the world around him and just live...he wanted to die, but didn't dare...
he had to find someway to atone...grief, determination...he would take his
unhappiness out on those who would trample the happiness of others...then
he will disappear...alone, again.
Kaoru could now almost imagine Kenshin as he was now...alone again, but
it's alright, the blood spilt has been washed away by time though sometimes,
the faint coppery smell comes back to remind you...it lingers still...in
the darkness of solitude...it is better this way. Then She came..She
brought back to him what the meaning of life was, She showed him a place
beyond peace and contentment to true happiness...She didn't force him to
become one with the light, but allowed him to simply watch and feel it till
the warmth crept into him and lit his soul from within...and when She was
almost taken from him..the warmth inside burst into flames...a fire that
burnt beyond aquantince or caring or friendship, but into a passion.
A passion of Her for Her...a passion that, if perused closely could very
well be lo-
Kenshin felt, in that moment, as if his soul had been lifted from
him and absorbed into hers. He could almost see their two spirits
hovering, looking at each other. His tried to hide as hers sought to look
deeper into him. He could not hide anything from her, and that scared him.
He feared that if she saw all that he was, that she would leave him.
An irrational fear, surely because he knew that she would never hate him
for what she saw. She was too compassionate, too giving, too warm to care...but
behind that fear was another. He had no true hope for a future with
her, simply because for him it didn't exist. The shadows of his past would
continue to land in his wake and all he could hope to do is to dodge them,
and hope they don't slip in from behind.
Sudden panic gripped him, he had stayed too long. He'd endangered
her enough already...but he knew he couldn't leave. He'd been alone too
long. Too long away from the warmth of the sun to ever give it up for the
dark of night again. His l-care for her that kept him there when the
best solution for all of them would be for him to go, may very well be the
last part of himself that will be destroyed. It was inevitable, he
could not have her. But he knew, *knew* that she was the light to the salvation
of his soul. And that's why he couldn't leave.
And that's why Kawasaka needs to die, for threatening that light...for
attempting to dim its brilliance from him. Kenshin realized that the
panic and fear that gripped him were the very tools that would unbind the
already struggling assasin from the dark depths of his soul. He could
feel the edges of his soul tattering in the wind of anger and fear and guilt...he
knew that he was losing the fight within himself...
Kaoru knew the moment that Kenshin weakened. The strange line
of communication between them slammed shut; just before she could determine
whether or not he felt a minute percent of what she did for him. Shaking
her head of ideas of visions and imaginary connections, that probably weren't
real, she took another step forward.
And another.
And another.
She walked past the deadly blade of her father's katana held in Kenshin's
white knuckled grip and stood very close to his left side, his sakaba sword
in hand. Slowly, so as to not surprise him, she raised the sword and
lowered it to his left side, lifting the sheathe on his side enough to allow
her to slide the sakaba sword home.
With that done, she looked up and met Kenshin's eyes. Unsure
of what exactly to do next, she moved to stand directly in front of him.
Her hands rising slowly to each of his shoulders. She lightly placed
her hands there, feeling the heat rise through his shirt into her hands.
Her left hand slowly left the shoulder to trail down his right arm. She
could feel his muscles contract beneath her touch. She looked down
to see the path her hand took, till it reached his wrist. Her fingers
lightly encircled his wrist and gently moved his arm to a more comfortable,
relaxed stance. Then her fingers slid to where his were tightly gripped
and with patience and surprising little pressure, her fingers slid between
his still attached to the hilt.
Kaoru still looked up to see Kenshin's eyes shut closed, his breathing
a little uneven. Concerned, she used her right hand to brush his bangs
away from his face a bit before placing it again on his right shoulder.
She leaned forward then and used him to keep her steady as she brought her
lips to her ear. And whispered, "Kenshin...let go."
Why couldn't he let go of the damned sword? Self anger rose
within him, along with self-loathing. Even for Kaoru, he couldn't
be stopped. What kind of a man was he? He was a man unworthy
of her, gritted his teeth in frustration.
What else can I do for him? Why doesn't he understand that he
was destroying himself for no reason other than to prove to himself that
he has no worth?
Kaoru sighed and rested again on her feet. She looked at Kenshin
almost annoyed, how dare he give up on her? On Them. She braced herself,
then released her left hand from the sword hilt.
She'd realized that he was unworthy for her, he thought. It
was inevitable. It was better to find out now than- What is she doing?
Kenshin's eyes snapped open when he felt his face carefully warmed
by two slender hands. Her face was not too far from his. Unsure,
he looked into her eyes and saw a grim resolve and spirit that awed him.
She hadn't given up. She was still fighting..and if he read her correctly,
annoyed with him for not doing so. He felt so much lighter he almost
smiled in relief, then she did the unexpected..
The moment life returned to his eyes, she knew that the fight within
the man was almost won.
Her lips curved softly into a smile as she stood on tiptoe and lowered
Kenshin's face to hers...and kissed him gently on the forhead. She
smiled more at his surprise.
The katana dropped from his fingers as he looked at Kaoru. He
no longer even thought about Battousai as his preoccupation with her lips
seized him. After a moment of surprise, he relaxed and decided
to give her a surprise of her own. His arms came around Kaoru and
he kissed her, on the lips, between her lips, into her.
They were joined in another one of those timeless moments that seemed
to occur when only they were together and relished the contact.
"Well..isn't this fuckin' romantic? I hate to break
this passionate moment-thing up, but the bad guy's gone."
Trust Sanosuke to destroy the perfect mood, Megumi thought as she
stood behind and slightly behind him. As painful as it had been to see,
Kenshin and Kaoru looked..happy
together. She tried to surpress the twinge of jealousy within her
to use her gods given gift of practicality to look at the situation, she'd
lost Kenshin..not that she'd ever had him...
Sanosuke walked from the door leading to the rest of the building
over to the door used as the entrance to the 'tavern' and looked outside.
"Well, I was wrong, he's not gone. The Bastard's dead."
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